“Access Denied”
How can I accept someone who doesn’t even ask about my daughter my heart, my soul especially when she’s not in great health?
Not a single message.
Not a “Hey, how is she?”
Not one ounce of concern.
Not one fuck given.
And you know what hurts more?
I know me.
Even if I was pissed off even if I could’ve rung your neck in that moment I’d still ask. I’d still reach out.
Because when someone I love is hurting, my pride takes a back seat.
That’s who I am. That’s how I love.
With presence. With concern. With heart.
So when I don’t see that in return…
It tells me everything.
And I can’t keep accepting less than I give especially when it comes to the people I’d die for.
Yes, I can be selfish in my own ways I’ll admit that.
But damn… I don’t even know what to call it when someone I’m supposed to be building a life with can shut off completely just because he’s upset with me.
Not care about me.
Not care about what’s mine.
Not ask. Not check in. Not even pretend to give a fuck.
That’s not just cold that’s terrifying.
Because it shows me that if things ever got dark… if life ever tested us…
He wouldn’t show up.
He’d let me and the people I love suffer in silence, just because he’s in his feelings.
That’s not love.
That’s not protection.
That’s a red flag waving right in front of my face.
And what’s worse? We’re only engaged.
This is supposed to be the time when you show your heart, when you prove your loyalty, when you show up because you want to not when you disappear when things aren’t perfect.
If this is how he moves now… I can’t even imagine what marriage would look like.
And that truth that possibility hurts more than I can admit out loud.
I’m kinda ashamed to even write and express all this…
Because part of me wonders how does this make me look?
Maybe I seem weak. Maybe I seem dramatic. Maybe I seem needy.
And yeah, I’ll own it I was needy today. I jumped the gun. I let my emotions spill over and I said things I probably shouldn’t have in that early morning conversation.
That part’s on me.
I take full accountability for that.
But still is this what marriage looks like?
Where if I mess up, I get dismissed completely?
Where the people I love my child get dismissed too, just because I said something wrong?
Just like that… like we don’t matter?
No questions, no concern, not even a simple, “Is everything okay?”
That’s what breaks me.
Because I’m not perfect not even close but I know my heart.
No matter how mad I get, no matter how deep we’re in it, if his child was sick or hurting, I’d ask. I’d care. I’d show up.
Because love doesn’t just disappear when it’s inconvenient.
I can be emotional. I can be intense. I can even be wrong.
But I’m never cold.
I’m never heartless.
And I never treat the people he loves like they don’t matter just because he pissed me off.
That’s not how I love.
That’s not how I do relationships.
And I’d never press pause on him like that like he suddenly doesn’t exist and definitely not on his kids. That level of detachment? That lack of empathy?
That’s something I can’t unsee.
And I don’t know how to keep pretending that’s okay… when everything in me knows it’s not.
But you know what? That’s okay.
Because I don’t need that kind of love or that kind of treatment especially when it comes to my kids.
If I have to butt heads with a stubborn old bull, then so be it.
Bring it. I’ve been through worse.
But let me make one thing clear:
You no longer have the privilege, the access, or the right to my happiness and my kids are my happiness.
I will not let them be a part of something that’s built on a lie.
I will not sit back and allow them to think they are accepted, valued, or loved by someone who can’t even pretend to care when it truly matters.
He can fake it with me I see through it anyway, and I’ll play along if I have to but my children?
They are off limits.
You don’t get to be lukewarm and distant when it’s hard, and then come around when it’s easy.
You don’t get to ignore their existence and then smile in their faces like nothing happened.
No.
Go toy with your own.
Not mine.
Because this mama? She protects hers.
Always.